The art of tact !! Six Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing poker standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around the table and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws to decide the dreadful task. Paul Gallagher picks the shortest one. They all tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet???" questions Gallagher. "I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "I'll just go tell him," says Gallagher.

23.1.06 16:40 Permalink / 5 Comments / comment

Eggs. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? Look out they're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! TURN THEM !!! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! USE THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving you in my f$#%ing car."

28.10.04 13:08 Permalink / 8 Comments / comment

Stevie Wonder Concert Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause had finally died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like him to play. This little Japanese fella at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play. He shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord" So Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.   "No, No" the little guy shouts "play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".   A little bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking.   The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".   Stevie finally gives in and says "OK, how does that go then?" To which he replies.....   "A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"

19.10.04 17:06 Permalink / 4 Comments / comment

Things to do while your colleagues are on holiday... Here are some things to do while your friends/colleagues are away on holiday.... Tidy their desk for them.... Water their plants... Put their keyboard in a safe place... Save all their phone messages...

29.9.04 11:05 Permalink / 6 Comments / comment

Friday funnies... It's been a while since I updated this blog but these popped into my intray this morning. The dodo died. Then Dodi died. Then Di died and then Dando died... Crikey Dido must be shi**ing herself. I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. You have to remember all the crap that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you'll be tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"  And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening... errrr, Self-raising?"

17.9.04 13:00 Permalink / comment

Tuesday funny... Q. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals ? A. Philippe Philoppe.

18.5.04 10:20 Permalink / 2 Comments / comment

Dictionary Definitions... Coffee (n.) - a person who is coughed upon. Gargoyle (n.) - an olive-flavoured mouthwash. Abdicate (v.) - to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.) - to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.) - impotent. Negligent (adj.) - describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.                     Lymph (v.) - to walk with a lisp. Flabbergasted (adj.) - appalled over how much weight you have gained. Balderdash (n.) - a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.) - a humorous question on an exam. Circumvent (n.) - the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbeetarianism (n.) - the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.                         Flatulence (n.) - the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

13.2.04 11:48 Permalink / comment

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